It's Real
by Emerald Glimpse
Summary: Post-Mockingjay. Pre-Epilogue. Short story. Katniss had decided to stay away from Peeta. She had hurt him too much and offered him too little. She hope that he would have a better life on his own. Haymitch steps in. Written by a English learner. Don't be too harsh with my words.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! This is my first attempt on writing a fanfic, and I don't even know if anyone will actually read this. Lol. I'm just having fun writing.**** Don't be too harsh with me. Practice makes perfect!**

***** I'm not a native English speaker and my vocabulary bank is really little, especially adjectives. And I always write in American spelling together with British. I may make mistakes. But I can kinda write some good stuff in my native language, so I wanna try it in English. Also, this fic is most written in simple English. Okay, you're warned. Here you go! *****

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I just borrow.**

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I don't exactly know how many days has passed, or how I survived. I guess the reason I'm living is probably the food the Greasy Gae brings me every day. Nightmares are frequent visitors of mine, like the way it always did. Instinctively, I reach for Peeta's arms every time when I wake up from a nightmare. But of course, he's nowhere to be found. He's still in District 13, having his therapy sessions and trying to restrain his inner demons. But from what I heard from Haymitch, he's getting better.

The nightmares displayed lots of images of _their _death. Everyone who had gone. Glimmer's blood-covered flesh, little Rue with the spear on her stomach, Wiress's floating lifeless body, Finnick fell down to the depths of mutts, Prim's face before the destructive booming, and lots of other tributes, martyrs, patients and Districts 12 residents. I'm getting used to them, but I can't help missing the strong and steady arms that once held me through the darkness. The arms that made everything tolerable is way far away from here.

Then Peeta shows up with the primroses. I guess this is a good sign, meaning that he's forgiving me. Forgiving me for my indifference after he has been hijacked. I didn't realize how selfish I'm until the Peeta who loves me more than everything is gone. Like I've said before, I've taking it for granted that Peeta thought I was wonderful, but I'm actually violent, distrustful, manipulative and deadly. Haymitch was right about how I don't deserve Peeta. He will get a better life if he never loved me. So I've make up my mind to let him free, despite the fact that he seems to be forgiving me now.

Tonight, I go to bed early as usual. I didn't want the complete darkness that thrills me. This means I can get a couple hours of sleep before the terrors set in. But exceptionally, a different kind of dream comes into my subconsciousness.

_Peeta is standing in the bakery. The warmth that radiates from him, the pleasant smell of the bread, the way his eyes shine with caring, it all reminds me of the old Peeta. The boy with the bread. The boy who is not hijacked. The boy who loves me._

_Then he begins to speak, _"_Katniss, want a cheese bun?_"

_I almost gasp at his previous gentle tone._

"_Katniss?_"_ He _says_ again._

"_Um. Sure._"_ I say. _"_Thanks._"

"_You_'_re welcome._"_ He replied._

_It feels like the way we talked to each other after the first games. Cold and unfamiliar. It shouldn_'_t be like this, but I_'_m not the one who is skillful in the art of speaking. _

_I watch him as he grabs a handful of flour, and start to bake. His long blond eyelashes still flicker between winks. He has the perfect curved shape of lips. I recall the evening in the arena of the second games, when we sit on the artificial beach, trying to convince one another not to give up their lives. Then we kissed. Technically, I kissed him._

_Oh, no. I can feel that new kind of hunger overtaking me now like the way it did on the beach. No, not now. _

_Peeta doesn_'_t seem to notice a thing. He is occupied with the flour and the oven. And I_'_m here, eyeing him with a sudden urge to touch him._

_I step forward, and lean in. _"_Peeta?_"_ I say._

"_Hm?_"_ He didn_'_t look up._

_I realize I just call his name without any intentions of saying anything. Make something up, Katniss, anything. _

"_Thanks for the primroses._"_ I say._

"_Oh. That_'_s for her. In that way she will be with you. I know you miss her. We both do. But she will want us to be happy again. And I want you to be happy, either._"_ He is now looking deep through my eyes._

_Those simple and affectionate words, so Peeta-like. It almost feels like the old days when I had him. The hunger is roaring._

_Caution. I remember that I_'_ve silently make a promise to stay away from him so that he will not suffer from loving me. It_'_s risky to be so close to him, especially his words are making me lose self restraint. _

"_Thanks._"_ I repeat again, not knowing what to say exactly._

_He chuckles. _"_Katniss, you_'_ve been nervous. What_'_s the matter? I thought we_'_ve been friends since the Victory Tour._"

_So he has not been hijacked. _

"_I_'_m... just... I just miss her, and I don_'_t know what else I could say._"_ I added. _"_Or do._"

"_It_'_s okay to miss her._"_ He says reassuringly. _"_We all have those moments when we grieve for what we lost. It_'_s okay. As long as we live and keep it together, we make their deaths count. And you won_'_t be alone, I_'_m here always._"

_I really miss him. The old Peeta that cares for me. It_'_s impossible for me to retreat now, I can feel the hunger igniting inside me, so I say the same thing that I said on the beach that day. _"_I need you._"

_He smiles. _"_Me too._"

_Without further thinking, I go straight for his arms. My head rests on his chest, and I can smell the familiar scent of bread on him. He held me closer and _caresses_ my braid. I sink in the steadiness that he gives to me. _

_The hunger is ignoring my protest and burning firmer inside. My lips involuntarily seek for his. He return the kiss instantly, but soft and steady. He _continues_ to kiss me without stepping further to cross the border. _

_I wonder if he can taste the hunger on my lips._

That's when I wake up.

With my eyes closed, I feel so serene. That is somehow related to Peeta. I opened my eyes and the sunlight sneaks in through the curtains. Surprisingly, I realize I had a whole good night of sleep without any nightmares terrifying me. It is the first time since I return to District 12. It's so foreign.

Then I look to the side of my bed. It's empty, of course. I've been avoiding Peeta for his own good since the day he planted those primroses. He still shows up time by time to hand me some cheese buns, but I always turn down them despite how much I really miss those cheese buns. Or miss him.

But he's not the old Peeta now, I remind myself. He has his flashbacks and he has been tortured. He will live a better life without me constantly annoying him with my own problems.

So I managed to get up and clean up myself a little bit. At least look presentable. Then I sit down on the couch and stare onto the wall. I know it's about time for Greasy Gae to show up with my breakfast. Funny that I don't know what time or what date is it, but I can still sense my breakfast is on its way to me.

The door banged open.

That does not sound like Greasy Gae. She is always quietly opens the door and close it. I turn my head, and, unexpectedly, I see Haymitch with his liquor in his hand.

"Morning, sweetheart." He says in a teasing tone, and pours the liquor into his mouth.

I frown. "Where is Greasy Gae?"

"Oh. She's busy today. That's why I'm here with you breakfast." He says.

"Um. I guess… Thanks." I say.

"You're welcome." He says with a weird smile. "So how's life back home?"

"You know exactly how it is." I say. I'm not the only one who has been through nightmares. Haymitch is a lot more experienced of them as I do.

"Guess you're not getting along with that boy." He says. "You know, he's pretty normal now."

I keep silent. I have no intentions of telling anyone about my plans to leave Peeta alone. To let him start a new life on his own without my disturbance.

He goes on, doesn't seem bothered with my silence. "Well, I think at least you two should talk. Like, you know, that deal, remember?"

The deal. We both promised to keep Peeta alive, and I had broken it by being indifferent to him after he came back from the Capitol.

"It looks like he's fine," I say, trying to hide any affection that accompanies my voice. "I'm not good at speaking, or giving comfort and support."

Haymitch seems angry, but he's suppressing it. "You have to try. You have left him alone to face the darkest time, and you're not doing that again."

"To try, what? I may just end up triggering his flashbacks." I don't want to sound too harsh but the words came out wrong. It sounds like I don't even care a little bit about him. I know I do care about him now. But as what Finnick had said, I don't know in what way.

Haymitch is furious now. I guess he's using all his self-control trying not to throw that liquor of his right onto my face. "Katniss, you seriously can't see how this is going? If you keep on acting like this, you two may just end up like strangers! You know, you owe him so much! You gotta wake up and start living!"

End up like strangers. Maybe that's just what I want. In that way he could be free from me.

"It's better this way." I say determinedly.

He snorts, clearly had enough of me. "You're a fool. I don't see the reason why he loved you." Then he left without a word.

I may as well say the same.

* * *

Days passed without my permission. Peeta still shows up time to time, but no longer offering me cheese buns, knowing that I will turn them down. Instead, he volunteers to help Greasy Gae to bring me food. I didn't question his intentions, and he didn't tell. I ate silently as he watches me. We barely talk. Sometimes I just wish that he can stop being kind to me. I seemed to be in his debt. Endlessly.

So one day, when he brings me food, I tell him, "Stop doing this, Peeta. I'll take a walk to Greasy Gae's to get my food."

He looks hurt, but nods, and leaves.

I'm still confused about my feelings towards him. Maybe at some point, I do love him. And I once told him I need him. I don't know if I truly mean that, or if it is just a moment of passion. I must admit, I always imagine how much easier my night would be with his accompany. But does that mean that I love him? Or just as Gale say, I'm a survivor, so I have the tendency to cling onto whatever that keeps me alive? Both make sense. But given the circumstances, I don't seem to _rely _on anyone to survive. Well, exceptions are Greasy Gae and her food. But I can hunt, can't I?

Speaking of hunting, I don't know how long it is since my last hunting. Maybe it would be a good idea to hang out in the familiar woods.

Just as this idea came across me, Haymitch banged the door open as he did last time.

I thought he was still furious with my words, what is he doing here?

"I've got some news." He says.

I stare at him. What is it so urgent that he had to deliver face-to-face? He could just ask anyone to tell me.

"You wanna listen?"

I laughed. "You're the one who opened my door without a signal, and now you're asking me?"

He sighs. "Be prepared."

I frown, and nod. I don't think he will bring up something genuinely horrible, at least I know won't be going into the arena again. "Okay."

"He's got a girlfriend." He says.

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**Well, I hope that's okay. I really hope that someone could write me a review or something. Anything to alert me that you've read this. Constructive comments are always welcomed! x **


	2. Chapter 2

**Here is the second chapter! Freshly came out from the oven! Thanks for everyone who followed or reviewed this story, and your kindness for pardoning my English! It's really motivating! Btw, I hope Katniss is not too OOC in this chapter. I try to keep her character close to the book.**

**And did I mention that this would probably be a short story?**

**Disclaimer: I'm dying to own this great book, it's a pity that I don't.**

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"Who?" My brain cannot process his words right away.

"Peeta." Haymitch says, with a sheepish look on his face.

No, wait. What? Peeta has a _girlfriend_? The whole thing is not making any sense. I mean, we are all recovering from our past, and struggling with nightmares. How can Peeta get to know another girl and be in a relationship with her? So quickly?

"How?" I manage to choke up.

"Well, I guess they just kinda hooked up in the bakery." Haymitch says in a casual tone, examining me.

"Bakery?" When did Peeta start to bake again?

"You're so unaware of what going on with the boy, sweetheart. He reopened the bakery about two weeks ago and basically runs it now. I'd say it's a way for him. The effect of baking on him is just like what those liquor did for me. Well, at least his way is healthier."

It's becoming clearer. So he's baking again. And he has a girlfriend. Someone worthy of him. I guess that's a good start. But I can feel something inside me is tearing apart. I suppress it. I should feel grateful since my plan of leaving him alone is working.

"Well, I wish him best of luck." I try to say as calmly as I can.

Haymitch raises an eyebrow. "You're not that indifferent to him, are you?"

What am I supposed to say? Congratulations? What does Haymitch expect me to react? Shocked? Well, I'm pretty shocked by the news but I'm not letting this side of me to show.

"I'm not indifferent." I say. "Isn't it better this way? We were only friends before all this mess, and now he forgot how much he.. he _loves_ me. It's time to get over this sentiment."

"Seriously?" He seems annoyed. "You don't care about him? Or you won't miss him? You may regret your decision someday."

The truth is, I do miss him. But I can't distinguish whether it's out of love or out of the "survivor" side of me.

"It's just..." I lost track track of words. Once again, I'm not the one who is good at art of speaking. "I don't know. I can't care that much."

I definitely sound like I was trifling with Peeta's feelings after all.

Haymitch snorts. "I've overestimated you. Just do whatever you want. I'm done with you. I'm leaving right now."

As soon as the door closes, I begin to chew to news that Haymitch just brought me. Peeta, out of all people, having a new girlfriend? It's so hard to picture that someone else is with Peeta now, someone that is not me. Jealousy instantly shoots through me like it did the time when Finnick and Annie crush onto each other as if no one exists in the room. I can't return him anything, I'm selfish, I'm a mutt. I certainly don't deserve him.

I hope that lucky girl is good enough for his kind and enduring love, she better be, I think bitterly.

I can feel the emptiness spreading through my nerves. Tears are blemishing my sight. I hold them back in. I need Peeta right here holding me like he did in my dream. But he will never do that._ I _myself have give up on him.

I need something, anything to distract me from the current situation.

I ran to my room and grab the bow and arrow from my drawer, and change into my usual hunting suit, and head straight for the woods.

The woods are vigorous. The blossom adds extra colors to the surroundings. I can sense warm bodies everywhere. I inhale deeply. I raise my arrow and aim at the crimson eyes of a rabbit. I let my arrow fly. And I raise it again, let it go, and aim at my next target, and let it go. I repeat this continuously. I just need to kill something. Eventually, I'm exhausted and fall down on my knees to the mud.

"Peeta..." His name escapes my lips spontaneously.

Worthless, I'm worthless, I sob. I can't even let Peeta go.

I left the woods without taking any game back home. I don't want anyone to be aware of my tracks into woods.

I step into Victor's Village and freeze at what I see.

Peeta is standing in front of his door, with a blond girl next to him. He grins genuinely and murmurs something like "It's good to have you here."

I almost cringe at the gentleness that once belonged to me.

The blonde girl grins too. I can see her features now. Shoulder-length wavy blond hair, Light blue eyes, heart-shaped face, and she looks familiar but I cannot think of her name. She must be one of the town girls at school. Probably Peeta's friend before the first games.

Peeta opens his door and lead the girl inside his house. Neither does he or the girl notice my existence.

I can't take this anymore.

I rush into my house and find the liquor in the kitchen cupboard. It was initially prepared for Haymitch in case his liquor supply runs low. But given the situation, he won't be getting it.

I flip open the cap and pour the alcohol into mouth. I don't care what the consequences are, right now I just need to get over this nightmare.

I continue to force more liquid into my mouth. I think about how his existence used to calm me, how he would ravish me if he is comforting me right now, and his natural charisma that slowing draws me to him.

_"Always." _

His voice is echoing inside my head, making me delirious. Before I know it, I dropped onto my bed and close my eyes.

It's painful. Both my head and my heart.

* * *

When my eyes flutter open again, the crescent is already glimmering in the starry sky. My head is still aching because of the alcohol. To my surprise, someone had already placed my dinner on the table. I glance at the clock, the hour hand is pointing at ten.

I have no appetite of eating but my stomach protests. Therefore I sit down and sip some water. The dinner is cold already. I slowly take in the bread.

This happens too fast. My emotional side is getting out of control. Katniss have never been good dealing with emotions. I've never felt so dependent and vulnerable. Neither have I ever been drunk for a boy.

Shouldn't I feel happy? Him having a girlfriend, enjoying his life, and getting over nightmares. It's the best I could hope for. Why am I feeling so... so dreadful?

I need to get this out of my head. I need to talk to someone. But who? Some of the few people that I trust have already gone, Haymitch is probably still furious about the way I treat Peeta, and I've never talk to my mum about a boy. Besides, it will be embarrassing to speak my feelings out loud.

I sigh. What on earth have I just gotten myself into?

Slowly and unconsciously, I finished my dinner and take a shower to wash the scent of alcohol away. I go to bed and have a full preparation of a haunted night.

It takes longer than usual for me fall asleep.

_I am in the Launch Room alone. The broadcast is stinging my ear, "Ten seconds."_

_I refuse to go in the tube. Not anymore. I'm not a pet of the Capitol. I stare at the transparent glass._

"_Five seconds."_

_I step backwards, trying the form some distance between me and this Capitol-made gallows. _

"_Three seconds."_

_I'm determined not to go inside it._

"_One second."_

_The door of the tube closes. I stood silently for a few seconds, waiting for something creepy and infernal to happen. Just as I start to relief, I heard some mechanic noises. I look upwards to the source of the noise. Lots of holes start the open wide on the ceiling simultaneously. I stare in horror as some mutts start to drop the ground from the holes. They managed to stand elegantly after the free fall._

_I scream and rush to the door. I push it forcefully, but obviously it locked. _

_I turn back and see Peeta standing in the tube. I don't know when or how he gets into that tube, but he is shouting something I can't hear with great anxiety and bewilderment._

"_Peeta!" I reach for the transparent barricade between us. Why is it every time I make a mistake, someone I love is going to get hurt?_

_It's chaotic now. The mutts are stumbling everywhere. I'm weaponless. I can't even defend myself. _

_The mutts look similar to the lizard mutts we met underground during the penetration in the Capitol. I guess I will call them an upgrade version of those lizard mutts. Their body is shimmering white, their facial features are more protruding with light blue iris that seems to capture every movement of mine, and their sharp fingernails are scratching in the air, intimidating me to step back. They are so ferocious. I'll be surprised if they don't kill me in a blink of an eye._

_Without a second thought, I push the entrance of the tube, which looks like to be the only escape to current situation. The entrance opens and Peeta encloses me in his embrace. The tube is moving upwards to somewhere can which only be arena._

_Fear invades me. I let them win again._

I pop up and found myself sitting on my bed, my heart is pumping uncontrollably wild, and I'm feeling sticky because of the sweat. I get up and look out the window. It's probably early in the morning. I'm glad the night is over.

I change into bathroom and take a shower again. My thoughts never leave Peeta.

How is he now? Are the nightmares and flashbacks still visiting him? I'm quite certain they do. I hope that the blond girl is capable of taking care of him. I think about how I never take care of him shamefully. I'm always the one who is receiving care and never return any. Leaving his life maybe the best option so that he won't waste his affection on some insignificant girl.

There's no self-pity. You reap what you sow.

Dawn is breaking. I decide to go out to for fresh air to clear my occupied mind.

I go to the pond where my father used to bring me. I pick some katniss roots to keep my thoughts from wondering to Peeta. I gather sticks and start a fire in the woods.

As the fire is howling, I watch the flames bounce. I was the Girl On Fire. I construct desolation that I couldn't restrain.

I rest quietly for while, consume the katniss, and I'm on my way back in the district.

As I've said yesterday, I take a walk to Greasy Gae's and to collect my breakfast. It's cheese buns for today. They are, not a doubt, made by Peeta. Does he make these especially for me? I guess not. Although Haymitch did mention that he's running the bakery now.

Maybe a visit to the bakery will be a good idea?

Oh, no. Why I come up with this idea? I've promised not to mess up with Peeta's life.

Just a glance, to make sure he's fine. It won't hurt. And you don't need to be seen.

That's sounds nice, through.

Before I can give a coherent answer, my feet are already bringing me to the Mellark's bakery.

I can see the color paint on the walls. Peeta must have refurnished the bakery by himself after the explosion. An artistic boy, he is. He deserves better.

I tip toe to the windows of the bakery, and peer through the pale yellow lights that radiates inside. I can almost taste the bread that are being placed orderly. And there beside the counter, stands Peeta.

He looks fine, except for the paleness that shows on his face. But generally speaking, he's already better than the time when he was in District 13. He looks handsome, and the bliss in his eyes is indisputable. I guess he has found a way to cope with his demons. I'm so glad for him.

Just when I was about to leave, he sights me through the window and waves at me.

Crap. I get an urge to sprint away from him as fast as I could. But bet that won't be good.

I raise my hand and wave back at him, and prepare to turn around and leave.

But he doesn't let me go. He hurries to the door and walk straight to me.

"Hey, Katniss." He says as if he's meeting an old friend, smiling sincerely. "What brings you here? More cheese buns?"

I try to keep it at ease. "Hello. Um. You made me those cheese buns these morning?"

He grins. "I know you would recognize them. Yes, I thought at least I should do something for you."

Do something for me? Is he kidding? He has done far too much for me.

I raise an eyebrow, and questions, "Why?"

"I think I've been offensive to you after I've back from the Capitol. You know, I've try to attack you, and thought that you're a mutt, things like that." He says almost shyly.

Why on earth does this boy keep thinking that it's all his fault while he has actually none at all?

"It's totally not your fault." My voice catches a bit. "I'm sorry. I should be the one who felt sorry."

He says immediately, "No, no, Katniss. You didn't try to attack me."

"I've been… been so indifferent to you after that." I say in an almost sobbing tone. My walls are pulling down.

"I should've care about you more. Like the way you will do if the situation is vice versa." I add, remembering Haymitch's words.

He shoots me an almost painful look. "No, don't blame yourself. You had so many crazy stuff about the rebellion in mind. It's absolutely not your fault that you don't have extra attention to care about me."

He need to stop being good to me. I don't even know whether I could return anything to him. Being a girl grown up in the Seam, I can't afford to owe debts, especially debts like this which are out of my range to return. I could only return him by loving him back, but right now I certainly can't do something so emotionally sane with my intricate mind.

"Anyway, Peeta, I think it's time to let go. You already have someone who can support you." I says, turning away.

He is confused. "What? Katniss, no!"

He takes me by the hand and the familiar touch instantly paralyses me. "Please, I just begin to remember our past."

"Our past is just no more than what is false and vain. You have a brighter future with someone else." I say bitterly, trying to struggle free from his hand.

Still confused, he lets go of my hand in respect to my wish. "Katniss, how can my future be bright?"

I leave the bakery.

I do not have answer.

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**Okay, I start to get why writers are saying that the story will lead you to where it should go. I didn't plan many of the scene in this chapter initially, they just kinda pops up into my mind when I started writing. **

**Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it! I would be over the moon if you reviewed or followed. Like I've said, anything to alert me you've read this. You guys have no idea how I felt when I saw an increase in those numbers on my monitor! I literally screamed out loud. Lol. You may call me insane. –Emera x**


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